10 Weeks...

Until my due date.

How will our life change? Let me count the ways. Except I can't, because every time I try, I just get overwhelmed.

It has been my dream to have a baby for so long.

It feels like I'm dreaming right now, in a way, and that I will only wake when she finally arrives here, and into these arms.

An Open Letter to a Friend

The last time I saw you, you were already different. You were already getting colder, and I saw your disdain for my words slip past that thin, collected surface a couple times. I was startled by this. I knew it was possible you would choose this path, but I didn't expect it so suddenly. So, why? What's the allure for you?

Our meetings used to be filled with chatter and laughter and heart-opening. Warmth. But this one felt more like a chess match, dry and strategic. And while I was not anxious, I was unsure of my next move, and of why I was being forced to strategize instead of just talk. I should have overturned the table. I should have told you that you were full of shit.

You asked me if I thought someone had to be selfish in order to be successful. I asked you if you were willing to give it up if it started to destroy your life. Neither of us gave a straight answer: you, because you really wanted to say "no" but didn't want to say it to my face; and me, because I was still hoping against hope that it wasn't as bad as it already was. So does someone have to be selfish to be successful? Of course not. Is it easier to win kitschy trophies and stand on little platforms waving at crowds of dying people, than to labor unnoticed for a yet unseen eternal reward? Absolutely.

So, why? What's the allure for you?

I have some ideas of what you would say, if you could look me in the eye instead of studying the ground in front of you. If you would answer when I call. If you would show up. I have some ideas because I gave up what mattered for what felt good once. I was hurting, like you are. I was weak, like you are. I was like a diabetic eating cake for every meal. I was born sick, but I was making myself sicker.

You left suddenly that day, after a brief smirk at something I had said. I saw it for what it was - the flailing of a child who was taught to perform for love, and is terrified by anything else - and it didn't hurt me. I asked you when I'd see you again, and the look on your face finally confirmed what I had been denying. We would never talk openly again. I don't remember your words. They didn't matter. I sat down and cried when you walked away.

You can still come back, my friend. My heart would be filled with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. Do you want me to say that I'm giving up on you? Do you want me to believe it's hopeless? Would that be easier for you? Well, I will not. Peace and healing await you here.

In the movie "Catch Me If You Can," the main character is writing home to his father after initiating a life of crime in a desperate attempt to reunite his estranged family and regain some sense of home. "Dad, you always said that an honest man has nothing to fear. So I'm trying really hard not to be afraid."

Quit trying not to be afraid. Try being honest.

Bigger By the Day

I can't believe it, but my due date is less than three months away! Until now, and outside of first trimester yuckiness, I have barely "felt" pregnant in the physical sense. Had TONS of emotional symptoms which isn't really surprising given my natural tendencies, but only recently is this little belly growing at alien baby pace into a pretty formidable consideration.

Yesterday I strategized a way to pick several things up off the floor by only bending down once.

I also felt the wind on the underside of my belly while I was walking outside. I was wearing a normal t-shirt, but a size larger than I would ever wear when not pregnant. And it still didn't cover. Oh, my.

I have announced it on FB, but not here, that we are having a baby girl bean. Her nursery is coming together rather nicely, complete with my bedroom suit from childhood. And it seems my anticipation of meeting her and holding her grows with my belly. Simply, words do not suffice.

I Will

by Brandi Carlile

It's not the end of the world, it's not even over
But it will be soon
I never learned my lesson, I just changed my tune
And no one seems to notice
But you will, you will

It's no big deal
But the last thing I think of when I close my eyes
And the first thing on my mind when I arise
It is a day and you're not really in my life

You can try and you won't find it where you're looking
You can hold it 'til it's putty in your hands
And you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
You can never be there for me in the end
And i will do the right thing
I will, I will, I will

You're not fooling me
I'm not the sort of girl that can't see reason
But it's nothing that a little bit of time won't heal
I know it don't come easy but I love you, I do

Coming clean means never closing curtains
I just changed my scene
Oh but you know what I mean and I will learn throughout my life
To never believe what will have been

I can try and I won't find it where I'm looking
I can hold it 'til it's putty in my hands
You can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
You can never be there for me in the end
But I will do the right thing
I will, I will, I will

I don't think you ever learned a thing from me
But I'm sure that you want me to learn from you
And you've drawn heavy-handed lines around morality
About yourself and I don't share your point of view

It's about time to let you go and I thought it's time to let you know
And it has to be the one that you'd regret
I have to say that I'm proud to know you
And I'll never be the same because we met
You might not miss this
I will, I will, I will

Satisfaction

I judged jr high all-region tryouts on Saturday. When I was a choir director, judging tryouts was one of the necessary drudgeries of the job, and honestly, one of the things I was looking forward to NOT doing again. (The directors reading this may disagree. You may love sitting for ten hours and listening to 200 different students sing the same 2 minutes of music over and over, and over. But not me.) So, why did I do it?

Well, I've been missing my kids. And I knew I would get to see some of them. And it was wonderful! I loved even the few minutes I got with them before I had to run to a meeting, seeing how they are growing into the adults they will be one day. That was one of my favorite parts of teaching -- witnessing the process of growth.

Also, I love their new director. When I decided in Sep of '08 that 08-09 would be my last year of teaching, I started praying then for the new director. We had made some major progress in the three years I had been there, foundational stuff, and I wanted the kids to have a director of some experience and achievement to help them further tap into their potential. Well, they didn't get a director with just some experience -- they got a director with loads of experience and achievement! And to top it off, she really loves them.

That was such an encouragement for me, personally, to know the work would continue. And again, because of her immense expertise, Mrs. Dunavan will grow that program at a much quicker rate and to a deeper level than I could have if I had stayed. She's just awesome.

The first major indicator of this is that TEN of her jr high kids made the all-region choir! I am so happy for those kiddos, each of them! And I will see you guys at the all-region concert!

Baby Bean

...is kicking. Most of the time it feels like a few little popcorn pops...and every once in awhile, I'll get a pretty firm, "Hey! I'm down here!" It's so sweet. I can't wait until the Hunk can put his hand on my belly and experience this with me.

We will have an ultrasound tomorrow to find out the gender of Baby Bean! We have absolutely no idea, and ironically, the peanut gallery is split about 50/50 with their opinions. Not that it matters what any of us thinks, you know. :) It's kinda already decided; however, I do enjoy hearing what makes people decide something like this. Most say, "I just have a feeling..." as their eyes trail off into the distance mysteriously.

So. I guess about 50% of my friends and family will be rewarded this weekend with the knowledge that their feelings were correct. And the Hunk and I will be 100% elated, no matter what. He said that I'll probably cry. I said, yes, either that or laugh from pure joy.