New season of life. New blog title. Why not?
The URL will remain the same as I don't want to lose or forget about what I've already written here, so come here for my new thoughts - and hopefully some new discussions - about this thing that I've been doing for thirteen days called BEING A MOTHER.
(Holy crap.)
Still feeling quite overwhelmed by that title as, naturally, it's something my mother would do and not me. But I can now state with a modest amount of force that I am not as overwhelmed as I was a week ago. A week ago, when I would be rocking our little Jelly Bean to sleep and trying to sing Brahms' Lullaby to her...and couldn't make it through ten notes without bursting into tears from joy and terror. Yes, both. Simultaneously.
"Oh my, I have a baby! Oh my...I have a baby?!"
Now would be a good time to say that I'm going to be as unfiltered as is possible in this public forum.
Because apparently this mothering thing is not for the faint of heart.
No, not exactly right, for I have "fainted" plenty over the last couple of weeks. More than I have in any two weeks of my life to date. But as my wonderful pastor said in church this morning (we watched it online), many times when God asks you to do something, He knows you can't do it. He's asking you to do it so that you can learn more about relying on Him.
So I hereby declare for the first of what will be countless times...I am, naturally, pretty self-focused. I have been childless for all of these thirty-two years, after all. I want to sleep when I want, and eat when I want, and shower when I want. I mean, a girl's got to have her dignity after all, right? Right?! Why isn't anyone saying anything?!!
Dignity is not adaptive to current conditions, and I can either hold fast to it and sink this ship, or I can release it and get about the business of surviving. (For me, just having this baby did a good job of loosening lots of that dignity, but that's another story for another time.)
So. I'm trying to eat when I can, and sleep and shower when I can. And maybe someday I'll start cleaning the kitchen again. But for now, this is enough for me.
Actually, in terms of responsibility and blessing, it's more than enough for me.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
One Month And Counting
Exactly one month from my due date, I am feeling...honestly, pretty tired. And achy. But that's just physical stuff. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I feel like I am just primed and ready to go! Ready to have our little girl with us and start the adventure of parenthood with her daddy. I am marveling today at the amazing timing of our Father. Throughout my life, His timing has remained to me the most mysterious and, ultimately, most praise-inducing aspect of His workings in my life.
Great is His faithfulness. His faithfulness is great.
When the Hunk and I met, nearly five years ago, it was a normal Sunday at church and we exchanged just a few words. We were attracted to each other, but that was about it for a couple months. I was kind-of-dating someone else at the time, and he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. The kind-of-dating relationship fizzled, as they often do. And then suddenly, here was this guy. And the more time we spent together, the more...comfortable...it felt. For both of us. And I remember thinking, "If we would have met a year ago, we might have completely passed each other over." I had learned some things and matured in some ways that, if I had met him earlier, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. His story is the same, by the way. And as it turns out, we are amazingly well-suited for each other. So...TIMING. Providence.
One of the ways in which we are well-suited is regarding our decision-making process. I tend to make quick, gut-level decisions, and he likes to consider each decision very carefully before he makes up his mind. So, yeah, we can really freak each other out sometimes. :) But we're learning, as you must do in marriage if you're going to have a peaceful and positive experience, to accept and even appreciate what your spouse brings to the table. You gotta learn how to work with what you've got. So when we (finally, from my perspective) decided to try to have kids, I was ready.
A year ago tomorrow, I was sitting in my doctor's office awaiting the results of a pregnancy test. I had taken one at home which had given an ambiguous result. It had the one line it was supposed to have, and a little sliver of the other line. Drove me crazy! :) So I went to the doctor. It was President Obama's Inauguration Day, and the cutest pictures of some multi-racial children (who turned out to be my PCP's grandkids) hung on the walls of the exam room. Let's just say my anticipation level was at an all-time high. After about ten minutes alone, the nurse stuck her head in, gave me the thumbs up, and said..."You're not pregnant!" Yes, the thumbs up. Apparently she had misread my anticipation as ambivalence, perhaps, and thought that would have been good news to me. Basically, it was not. I held it together until I saw the Hunk that night and told him what had happened.
Each month after that was a roller coaster of emotion. Is this the one? Will it happen this month? Please know that I gave it the good ol' college try to not be so excited...but I couldn't help it. I really was.
Then it finally happened! On Father's Day nonetheless, I got to tell the Hunk that he was going to be a daddy. Timing. Providence.
And today, as I sat down at my desk to start working, and saw the date...I was struck again at how perfect the Lord's timing has been in my life. I can honestly say that, even considering developments as recent as a week ago, I have never been more prepared to have a child. Is the nursery completely put together? No. Do we have any clue what awaits us? Heck no. On some level we know this is impossible. So I know I'm not "ready". But I'm ready. I'm peaceful, and as the old gospel song says...
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand,
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.
Great is His faithfulness. His faithfulness is great.
When the Hunk and I met, nearly five years ago, it was a normal Sunday at church and we exchanged just a few words. We were attracted to each other, but that was about it for a couple months. I was kind-of-dating someone else at the time, and he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. The kind-of-dating relationship fizzled, as they often do. And then suddenly, here was this guy. And the more time we spent together, the more...comfortable...it felt. For both of us. And I remember thinking, "If we would have met a year ago, we might have completely passed each other over." I had learned some things and matured in some ways that, if I had met him earlier, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. His story is the same, by the way. And as it turns out, we are amazingly well-suited for each other. So...TIMING. Providence.
One of the ways in which we are well-suited is regarding our decision-making process. I tend to make quick, gut-level decisions, and he likes to consider each decision very carefully before he makes up his mind. So, yeah, we can really freak each other out sometimes. :) But we're learning, as you must do in marriage if you're going to have a peaceful and positive experience, to accept and even appreciate what your spouse brings to the table. You gotta learn how to work with what you've got. So when we (finally, from my perspective) decided to try to have kids, I was ready.
A year ago tomorrow, I was sitting in my doctor's office awaiting the results of a pregnancy test. I had taken one at home which had given an ambiguous result. It had the one line it was supposed to have, and a little sliver of the other line. Drove me crazy! :) So I went to the doctor. It was President Obama's Inauguration Day, and the cutest pictures of some multi-racial children (who turned out to be my PCP's grandkids) hung on the walls of the exam room. Let's just say my anticipation level was at an all-time high. After about ten minutes alone, the nurse stuck her head in, gave me the thumbs up, and said..."You're not pregnant!" Yes, the thumbs up. Apparently she had misread my anticipation as ambivalence, perhaps, and thought that would have been good news to me. Basically, it was not. I held it together until I saw the Hunk that night and told him what had happened.
Each month after that was a roller coaster of emotion. Is this the one? Will it happen this month? Please know that I gave it the good ol' college try to not be so excited...but I couldn't help it. I really was.
Then it finally happened! On Father's Day nonetheless, I got to tell the Hunk that he was going to be a daddy. Timing. Providence.
And today, as I sat down at my desk to start working, and saw the date...I was struck again at how perfect the Lord's timing has been in my life. I can honestly say that, even considering developments as recent as a week ago, I have never been more prepared to have a child. Is the nursery completely put together? No. Do we have any clue what awaits us? Heck no. On some level we know this is impossible. So I know I'm not "ready". But I'm ready. I'm peaceful, and as the old gospel song says...
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand,
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Aaand...we're done!
I believe we have successfully navigated yet another holiday season. We did a couple things this year that made it easier on us, so we'll probably continue them in subsequent years:
1. Online shopping. It is mucho wonderful. We bought only one last minute gift; the rest were purchased and arrived a week (or more) before the 25th.
2. We spent Christmas morning at home. We woke up without alarms (which, for us, is still pretty early as neither of us naturally sleep late), then exchanged gifts and cooked a big breakfast. The only noise in the house was the Christmas music playing lowly on the radio. I guess from now on we'll have the noise of Baby Bean as she putters around, but of course we are super excited about those noises. :) It was a wonderfully peaceful morning in the midst of family time and the plague floods of Christmas Eve.
The Hunk's family came up from Lower Arkansas yesterday, to have our Christmas together and celebrate his sister's birthday. We loved having them in our home and hope to do that more in the future. We also spent a fair amount of time with some very special friends. As we said our final goodbyes last night, and closed the door...I realized that we had made it! One huge sigh of relief. It was not a chore to see all of those people - quite a joy actually - but an accomplishment nonetheless that we attended all the events of the last week or so with minimal stress and maximum enjoyment.
Now...what about New Year's Eve...? ;)
1. Online shopping. It is mucho wonderful. We bought only one last minute gift; the rest were purchased and arrived a week (or more) before the 25th.
2. We spent Christmas morning at home. We woke up without alarms (which, for us, is still pretty early as neither of us naturally sleep late), then exchanged gifts and cooked a big breakfast. The only noise in the house was the Christmas music playing lowly on the radio. I guess from now on we'll have the noise of Baby Bean as she putters around, but of course we are super excited about those noises. :) It was a wonderfully peaceful morning in the midst of family time and the plague floods of Christmas Eve.
The Hunk's family came up from Lower Arkansas yesterday, to have our Christmas together and celebrate his sister's birthday. We loved having them in our home and hope to do that more in the future. We also spent a fair amount of time with some very special friends. As we said our final goodbyes last night, and closed the door...I realized that we had made it! One huge sigh of relief. It was not a chore to see all of those people - quite a joy actually - but an accomplishment nonetheless that we attended all the events of the last week or so with minimal stress and maximum enjoyment.
Now...what about New Year's Eve...? ;)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Levity
So many blessings for which to be grateful during this Christmas season, and I have named some of them here. But this week I can't entirely shake a somber mood that descended upon me several days ago. Because we have received some blessings this year, and we've also received some sorrows.
Rachel's Tough Lesson for 2009: People can disappoint you, even if you really love them. Sometimes they can hold in their hands a wonderful gift, and study it, and then throw it on the ground and walk away. And sometimes they are so weighed down by what they bring to the relationship, that they cannot deal with the relationship.
So I'm listening a lot to Brandi, and Emmylou, and Lucinda...and reminding myself that the things I put my hope in will never change. Thank God for that, because even my own heart seems to change with the passing of the seasons or even the rising and setting of the sun. I am vascillating these days between two philosophical extremes: total exposure, and hibernation. This-is-me-and-you-should-just-deal-with-it, or screw-the-world-and-leave-me-alone. But instead of acting on these ideas that could wreak havoc on my personal life, I am trying just to focus on loving God first and letting the rest fall into place. Sweet solace.
Rachel's Tough Lesson for 2009: People can disappoint you, even if you really love them. Sometimes they can hold in their hands a wonderful gift, and study it, and then throw it on the ground and walk away. And sometimes they are so weighed down by what they bring to the relationship, that they cannot deal with the relationship.
So I'm listening a lot to Brandi, and Emmylou, and Lucinda...and reminding myself that the things I put my hope in will never change. Thank God for that, because even my own heart seems to change with the passing of the seasons or even the rising and setting of the sun. I am vascillating these days between two philosophical extremes: total exposure, and hibernation. This-is-me-and-you-should-just-deal-with-it, or screw-the-world-and-leave-me-alone. But instead of acting on these ideas that could wreak havoc on my personal life, I am trying just to focus on loving God first and letting the rest fall into place. Sweet solace.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
10 Weeks...
Until my due date.
How will our life change? Let me count the ways. Except I can't, because every time I try, I just get overwhelmed.
It has been my dream to have a baby for so long.
It feels like I'm dreaming right now, in a way, and that I will only wake when she finally arrives here, and into these arms.
How will our life change? Let me count the ways. Except I can't, because every time I try, I just get overwhelmed.
It has been my dream to have a baby for so long.
It feels like I'm dreaming right now, in a way, and that I will only wake when she finally arrives here, and into these arms.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
An Open Letter to a Friend
The last time I saw you, you were already different. You were already getting colder, and I saw your disdain for my words slip past that thin, collected surface a couple times. I was startled by this. I knew it was possible you would choose this path, but I didn't expect it so suddenly. So, why? What's the allure for you?
So, why? What's the allure for you?
I have some ideas of what you would say, if you could look me in the eye instead of studying the ground in front of you. If you would answer when I call. If you would show up. I have some ideas because I gave up what mattered for what felt good once. I was hurting, like you are. I was weak, like you are. I was like a diabetic eating cake for every meal. I was born sick, but I was making myself sicker.
You left suddenly that day, after a brief smirk at something I had said. I saw it for what it was - the flailing of a child who was taught to perform for love, and is terrified by anything else - and it didn't hurt me. I asked you when I'd see you again, and the look on your face finally confirmed what I had been denying. We would never talk openly again. I don't remember your words. They didn't matter. I sat down and cried when you walked away.
You can still come back, my friend. My heart would be filled with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. Do you want me to say that I'm giving up on you? Do you want me to believe it's hopeless? Would that be easier for you? Well, I will not. Peace and healing await you here.
In the movie "Catch Me If You Can," the main character is writing home to his father after initiating a life of crime in a desperate attempt to reunite his estranged family and regain some sense of home. "Dad, you always said that an honest man has nothing to fear. So I'm trying really hard not to be afraid."
Our meetings used to be filled with chatter and laughter and heart-opening. Warmth. But this one felt more like a chess match, dry and strategic. And while I was not anxious, I was unsure of my next move, and of why I was being forced to strategize instead of just talk. I should have overturned the table. I should have told you that you were full of shit.
You asked me if I thought someone had to be selfish in order to be successful. I asked you if you were willing to give it up if it started to destroy your life. Neither of us gave a straight answer: you, because you really wanted to say "no" but didn't want to say it to my face; and me, because I was still hoping against hope that it wasn't as bad as it already was. So does someone have to be selfish to be successful? Of course not. Is it easier to win kitschy trophies and stand on little platforms waving at crowds of dying people, than to labor unnoticed for a yet unseen eternal reward? Absolutely.
So, why? What's the allure for you?
I have some ideas of what you would say, if you could look me in the eye instead of studying the ground in front of you. If you would answer when I call. If you would show up. I have some ideas because I gave up what mattered for what felt good once. I was hurting, like you are. I was weak, like you are. I was like a diabetic eating cake for every meal. I was born sick, but I was making myself sicker.
You left suddenly that day, after a brief smirk at something I had said. I saw it for what it was - the flailing of a child who was taught to perform for love, and is terrified by anything else - and it didn't hurt me. I asked you when I'd see you again, and the look on your face finally confirmed what I had been denying. We would never talk openly again. I don't remember your words. They didn't matter. I sat down and cried when you walked away.
You can still come back, my friend. My heart would be filled with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. Do you want me to say that I'm giving up on you? Do you want me to believe it's hopeless? Would that be easier for you? Well, I will not. Peace and healing await you here.
In the movie "Catch Me If You Can," the main character is writing home to his father after initiating a life of crime in a desperate attempt to reunite his estranged family and regain some sense of home. "Dad, you always said that an honest man has nothing to fear. So I'm trying really hard not to be afraid."
Quit trying not to be afraid. Try being honest.
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