Sunday, December 27, 2009

Aaand...we're done!

I believe we have successfully navigated yet another holiday season. We did a couple things this year that made it easier on us, so we'll probably continue them in subsequent years:

1. Online shopping. It is mucho wonderful. We bought only one last minute gift; the rest were purchased and arrived a week (or more) before the 25th.

2. We spent Christmas morning at home. We woke up without alarms (which, for us, is still pretty early as neither of us naturally sleep late), then exchanged gifts and cooked a big breakfast. The only noise in the house was the Christmas music playing lowly on the radio. I guess from now on we'll have the noise of Baby Bean as she putters around, but of course we are super excited about those noises. :) It was a wonderfully peaceful morning in the midst of family time and the plague floods of Christmas Eve.

The Hunk's family came up from Lower Arkansas yesterday, to have our Christmas together and celebrate his sister's birthday. We loved having them in our home and hope to do that more in the future. We also spent a fair amount of time with some very special friends. As we said our final goodbyes last night, and closed the door...I realized that we had made it! One huge sigh of relief. It was not a chore to see all of those people - quite a joy actually - but an accomplishment nonetheless that we attended all the events of the last week or so with minimal stress and maximum enjoyment.

Now...what about New Year's Eve...? ;)

Thursday, December 17, 2009


So many blessings for which to be grateful during this Christmas season, and I have named some of them here. But this week I can't entirely shake a somber mood that descended upon me several days ago. Because we have received some blessings this year, and we've also received some sorrows.

Rachel's Tough Lesson for 2009: People can disappoint you, even if you really love them. Sometimes they can hold in their hands a wonderful gift, and study it, and then throw it on the ground and walk away. And sometimes they are so weighed down by what they bring to the relationship, that they cannot deal with the relationship.

So I'm listening a lot to Brandi, and Emmylou, and Lucinda...and reminding myself that the things I put my hope in will never change. Thank God for that, because even my own heart seems to change with the passing of the seasons or even the rising and setting of the sun. I am vascillating these days between two philosophical extremes: total exposure, and hibernation. This-is-me-and-you-should-just-deal-with-it, or screw-the-world-and-leave-me-alone. But instead of acting on these ideas that could wreak havoc on my personal life, I am trying just to focus on loving God first and letting the rest fall into place. Sweet solace.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

10 Weeks...

Until my due date.

How will our life change? Let me count the ways. Except I can't, because every time I try, I just get overwhelmed.

It has been my dream to have a baby for so long.

It feels like I'm dreaming right now, in a way, and that I will only wake when she finally arrives here, and into these arms.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

An Open Letter to a Friend

The last time I saw you, you were already different. You were already getting colder, and I saw your disdain for my words slip past that thin, collected surface a couple times. I was startled by this. I knew it was possible you would choose this path, but I didn't expect it so suddenly. So, why? What's the allure for you?

Our meetings used to be filled with chatter and laughter and heart-opening. Warmth. But this one felt more like a chess match, dry and strategic. And while I was not anxious, I was unsure of my next move, and of why I was being forced to strategize instead of just talk. I should have overturned the table. I should have told you that you were full of shit.

You asked me if I thought someone had to be selfish in order to be successful. I asked you if you were willing to give it up if it started to destroy your life. Neither of us gave a straight answer: you, because you really wanted to say "no" but didn't want to say it to my face; and me, because I was still hoping against hope that it wasn't as bad as it already was. So does someone have to be selfish to be successful? Of course not. Is it easier to win kitschy trophies and stand on little platforms waving at crowds of dying people, than to labor unnoticed for a yet unseen eternal reward? Absolutely.

So, why? What's the allure for you?

I have some ideas of what you would say, if you could look me in the eye instead of studying the ground in front of you. If you would answer when I call. If you would show up. I have some ideas because I gave up what mattered for what felt good once. I was hurting, like you are. I was weak, like you are. I was like a diabetic eating cake for every meal. I was born sick, but I was making myself sicker.

You left suddenly that day, after a brief smirk at something I had said. I saw it for what it was - the flailing of a child who was taught to perform for love, and is terrified by anything else - and it didn't hurt me. I asked you when I'd see you again, and the look on your face finally confirmed what I had been denying. We would never talk openly again. I don't remember your words. They didn't matter. I sat down and cried when you walked away.

You can still come back, my friend. My heart would be filled with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. Do you want me to say that I'm giving up on you? Do you want me to believe it's hopeless? Would that be easier for you? Well, I will not. Peace and healing await you here.

In the movie "Catch Me If You Can," the main character is writing home to his father after initiating a life of crime in a desperate attempt to reunite his estranged family and regain some sense of home. "Dad, you always said that an honest man has nothing to fear. So I'm trying really hard not to be afraid."

Quit trying not to be afraid. Try being honest.